Walls

You know when you exercise there is a point where you literally think you can’t continue on. For me this point usually hits at about 5 minutes into what ever I am doing. All of a sudden your body begins revolting against everything your motivation is trying to get you to push through. Sometimes we give in and it goes away, but if you continue pushing through there is a point where your body, no matter how out of shape you are, settles in to the cadence of whatever you are trying to do. Now it doesn't mean you’re not tired or that you don’t feel the burn, but the feeling that you simply are going to fall out and die right there passes and at least for a time (me about 20-30 minutes) I can continue to push myself.

Now, I know this about my body and I know that it is coming every single time I work out, but for some reason when I hit that point, I again, think I need to call 911 bc I am gonna hit the floor at any moment. It just feels like it will never release its hold on me. I know that just like last time if I only have faith and keep looking forward that it will pass and the workout will get easier, but far to often I find myself lost in doubt and the grumbling begins and sometimes I choose to give in even though I know it is a trick and if I just pushed on I would be okay.

I think sometimes in life we hit that “wall” like we do in exercise. I know for me when I encounter significant change I will hit a wall.

I actually adapt rather easily to change, but still just like anyone the unexpected creeps up and fatigue sets in from a new routine or the emotional toll of the change eventually catches up with you and you find yourself up against a wall.

You haven’t done anything wrong. Maybe in fact you’ve actually done everything right, but there, that wall still sits and waits for you. You know if you can just push through that pain, that change, that disappointment it will be better on the other side…even if nothing changes.

I have hit that wall. The wall in my life right now is my new job, which really translates more into the new lifestyle involved with me not being a stay-at-home parent right now. I long for that time and I miss it, but there are still some great things I see from working full-time as well. I recognize that this might be a season of my life or it might be more of a permanent change. Either way, right now it hurts, it burns and I want to throw in the towel and run back to what I know.

The fatigue, both physical and emotional, of being on someone else time, someone else’s priorities along with having to fully rely on God to keep my children safe in my absence and help my husband handle the stress of home life along with that of finding a job, is difficult, demanding and completely overwhelming at times.

However, just like in my workout I can see that this feeling is temporary. In a few weeks nothing in my life may look any different, but I will probably feel that wall easing down as my body and mind adjust. One thing I have realized is that I need for my heart to adjust as well and this is the part I must submit to God. I can continue to worry over my children and my husband and mull over not being able to do this or that, but at some point I have to choose who I will serve and how I will serve in this new part of my life…in this part of my heart.

God gave us this opportunity as a way to help us have provision while my husband looks for a job and I need to center my heart in gratitude for this blessing. I had a moment with God in the car on the way home from work the other day. I was mumbling and griping about not being able to do things or have things my way- you know a grown- up tantrum, when I literally felt God lift my eyes from myself and say to my heart, “Laurie, this isn’t just about what opportunity I have given you to provide for your family. It is not just about a job. At this moment, for reasons yet unknown to you, this is what I have called you to. It may not make sense, but it is just as real and necessary in your life at this moment as you being a stay-at-home parent for the past 7 years.”

Now, I don’t doubt that God wants to give me the desires of my heart and allow me to at some point return to the stay-at-home-mom status I had once before, but that little conversation did help me. It helped me see that I was seeing this experience as if it were all about me, instead of asking God to use me in this experience for Him.

Walls can be tricky. They can be deceptive. They can loom much higher than they actually are and sometimes when we don’t trust that God has great thing son the other side of it we loose hope and throw in the towel.

I think I might pull out some metaphorical Sharpies and draw some friendly (clean) graffiti on mine to make the process of it coming down a little more enjoyable.