a white stone

Many of us stray as far away from the book of Revelations as we possibly can for many reasons. Some of us feel completely paranoid when reading prophecy. Some of us feel incapable of understanding the seemingly mystic and somewhat cryptic text, while some of us just don’t like to hear about bad things and so we just don’t go there. I’m a fairly sure there is a little bit of all three of those categories in me. I have done a few studies on Revelation, but will admit to still feeling a little bit intimidated. After today I have a new view of Revelations.

When we look at the word Revelation, it is defined by Webster’s as

God's disclosure of Himself and His will to His creatures.

-an instance of such communication or disclosure

-something thus communicated or disclosed.

-Something disclosed that was not known before

Wow, did they say communication? Okay, maybe that is a serious no-brainer(but I am slow), but a revelation is a communication from God in some way of something not known before. Now, this is the case for the Book of Revelations and the contents there of, as well as a revelation that God may bring about in your life.

Now, it may not be of epic, world coming to an end proportions, however, if might very well mean the difference in a life served well for God and a life serving ourselves. If we are open and willing to communicate with God and let him reveal things to us, even when that might mean putting ourselves out there, exposed for all the world to judge(I can’t help but think of sweet Mary) or accepting and uncovering a wound of the greatest proportion in our lives.

When our pain, whether it be a past that causes us embarrassment or shame, a pain so great we can’t even think of speaking it, or maybe a memory or experience we are just sure we will be judged for if anyone knew… but when those things are unearthed, faced by us and placed before God, he can take that hurt, shame, guilt, fear and redeem us.

Now that we have trusted him enough to forget what the world would think and just put it out there for him, he has a place to reveal things to us that may very well mean the difference in just living mindlessly in the numbness that life can become to creating in us a place where passionate hearts eagerly accept the calling placed upon us. A calling meant just for us; no more or less important than anothers, perfectly different and perfectly planned and designed just for us by our creator.

There is a small group Bible Study that I am in, which is currently being led by a close friend who is guiding each of us down a path of discernment in spiritual formation within our own lives. Many weeks have passed as we have intimately shared with one another our life histories, high points, low points, memories and dreams and pain.

With her good guidance and counsel she has gently helped us each to a place where we are now at the culmination of the entire experience. The end result of this “study” in spiritual formation is to come up with a purpose statement, a vision and a mission statement and finally a new name. The new name is meant to be representative of the new white stone that the book of Revelations talks about.

Revelation 2:17
“Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what he is saying to the churches. To everyone who is victorious I will give some of the manna that has been hidden away in heaven. And I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it.

Wow, God is going to place in my hands a new white stone engraved with a new name just for me! I know I haven't spent enough time in Revelations, because that was news to me.

This name, and the different statements for each person, have come to be know through prayer and discernment during this process and with the loving companionship and contribution of trusted friends within this small group. It is a name for which you are to be proud, as it is a name that God wants for us. Not a name that we would think of, not name that serves our own desires, but one that sets us clearly on a path towards God’s desire for our lives. Today, after months of waiting and working towards this, it was my turn to be named.

Five years ago today my 7-day-old son was put into my arms and I held him until he went into the arms of his creator 8 hours later. There is not a pain deeper and God knows that. He takes special care and love and attention to those who have little ones. He tells us this in the Bible. And when parents loose children, he knows that life is going to never be the same. Hearts are broken and there is no power except his that can heal them. He takes gentle care of us and comforts us, even though the world around can be so harsh to be a part of after such a loss. Memories can be comforting and haunting. They can bring us joy and immeasurable pain at the same time.

Wow, what God must feel towards us if this is how we feel towards our own children.

For the past five years on this day, my spirit, my soul, my heart has always been to weak and to unsure of the world around me for me to venture out on this day. I go to visit where my little Tyler is buried and I otherwise seclude myself. I don’t answer the phone, or plan anything. I don’t do this to be a hermit or to even wallow in my understandable pain, bc most of the day is spent in the mundane activates of any other day... but the tears can be so unpredictable and I am not a person who is comfortable with tears, especially in front of others. And I don’t really have one of those cute cries. I have the nasty, face and eyes get red and puffy, make-up dripping, ugly cries.

I stay home because the memory of him is so intimate to me that sometimes I just get lost in my thoughts of him. As each hour passes my mind wanders back to each fine detail of his face and sweet little hands, as I rocked him and sang to him. I run my fingers over his perfectly formed eyebrows and down his cheek and over his perfect little nose. I remember that face and the clarity of that day in my mind is miraculous. To many people he is a memory and the inspiration for a ministry, to me he is the sweet baby boy that I longed for, carried inside me, prayed over, cried for, gave birth to, comforted, held and sang to and loved with every ounce of my heart, never once suspecting that would end.

When I am alone I am free to stay there.

No distractions no interruptions and no one watching me when I decide I need to cry and no feelings of guilt when I am so inspired by his life that I decide to dance and sing really loud.

There is something about this day. It is not all sadness and pain. It is so special to me, as I know how very special this day is for him. This is his heavenly birthday.

It almost feels to me that, this day, in my life, God allows Heaven and Earth to line up as close as they can be and for a few hours I feel as though God is literally reaching across the Heavens and placing him back in my arms, but He never lets go. He holds him too. I feel so close to them both.

While he lived for seven days, this was the only day I ever got to hold him in my arms and that 8 precious life-changing hours set a course for my life that God would use to allow others in my life to gently direct me towards Him so that he could work on me, so that I could be ready to work for Him.

One baby, one tiny perfectly made little boy, seven days…God in his perfect plan and wisdom can take any life, no matter how long or short, illness or struggle, rich or poor can and make it a glorious testimony for His power and greatness.

As I walked out of the hospital 5 years ago, arms empty and heartbroken, I prayed one prayer and that was that God would do whatever it took in my life to make sure I did not miss the message of what Tyler’s life was meant to bring…

In years past on this day I would not have even opened the front door, much less stepped out onto the porch to see what was going on with others, but that is not at all what the message that Tyler brought to us.

So today, I was faced with a decision; do I stay home and have my time or do I give that time to God in the hope and trust that when I make myself available to him he can reveal things to me that I might otherwise miss.

Don’t let me miss it...

God has faithfully answered that prayer for me over and over again. He answered again today by giving me a wonderful group of trusted women to surround me and assure me that I was safe with them and that by trusting God and choosing today to step out he would reach his arms out and be ready to catch me . He gave me the courage to venture out for the first time on this day, which was even harder than normal because today is the first year it actually falls even back on the day of the week, as well as the date. I did cry and it was okay. I did want to rush home right after our study, but am so glad I followed God's prompting to go bc I would have missed a very important part of what God desired for me today if I had stayed home.

I got my new name today. While I know that it may not actually be the white stone name that Christ will place in my hand one day, it is the name that God has blessed me with right now. He has surrounded me and affirmed me and given me a name that calls unto me a purpose and a meaning and a direction for what he wants me to do. I feel certain if that is to change he will put that on my heart, but today especially, it feels good to have a new name.

A Revelation!

Happy Heavenly Birthday Tyler!